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It’s a sin: Myleene Klass has admitted to nicking the pontiff’s loo paper. Photograph: Rex Features/Guardian montage
She’s back! Like the rest of Myleene Klass’s public, I always fear the former Hear’Say singer might be trapped under something heavy if she hasn’t inserted herself into the news for a few days. Imagine the relief, then, to read the headline: “Myleene: I stole pope’s toilet paper.“
It seems the theft took place when Myleene was filming for the now defunct BBC show Heaven and Earth at one of the pope’s summer retreats, though His Holiness wasn’t in residence at the time. According to madam, the pope’s loo roll has “papal wreaths embossed all over it in little green laurel leaves”. (I know. Ghastly. It’s not even as though these people are new money.) Anyway, it seems Myleene is given to availing herself of such souvenirs. “I took writing paper from Downing Street,” she explains. “So I write my notes for the fridge on that.”
Do you think she does really? She must have taken an awful lot. Lost in Showbiz suspects Myleene uses the Downing Street writing paper for her fridge notes in the same way she claimed to have used a false name when she had her baby, so that the hospital would treat her just like anyone else. (As the private wing in which she gave birth made crystal clear to me, no one can possibly keep their real name off their patient notes.) Or in the same way that she claimed to have waved a knife at two teenagers trespassing in her garden and been reprimanded by cops who told her that the law gave her no right to defend herself in her own home. (As Hertfordshire police put it: “At no point were any official warnings or words of advice given to the home owner in relation to use of a knife or offensive weapon … We believe the media found out about the incident following a phone call from Ms Klass’s publicist to [a journalist] from the Sun.”)
Still, enough of all that. What did she do with the Holy See loo paper? “I made Christmas presents out of it,” Myleene explains. “I stuck a piece of tissue, and I’d write, ‘Papal loo roll; a tissue. Bless you.’ It’s so bad it’s good, right?”
It’s little short of another Myleene miracle, my dear. Do just marvel at the manner in which the loo paper is crafted into festive presents, then the story of those presents is in turn crafted into publicity for Myleene herself. Thus the Great Klass Headline Generator keeps churning, and we look forward to its next eminently credible production.
